Sometimes we can emotionally 'hook' ourselves to people, even if the relationship is one which no longer serves to bring happiness or a future. Even long after the end of a relationship we can still have difficulty 'unhooking' and letting go despite knowing logically it is the best thing we could do - so why do we do this and how can we learn to let go?

Whenever a relationship ends, and there are still strong emotions involved, there is a 'grieving' process which we must go though to become less emotionally involved - this is usually a relatively short process, but with Borderlines it can last for many years as they struggle to understand and interpret what emotions they are feeling.

Like grief following the death of someone close, the grief following the emotional loss of a relationship has stages :  shock and denial, "bargaining," anger and depression and finally acceptance.  However, many Borderlines go back and forth between these stages and are unable to fully 'move on'.

Grief is a painful thing to deal with and many Borderlines are unable or unwilling to allow this feeling. No one likes to be hurt and avoidance can often be the first hurdle to overcome. 
Many Borderlines turn to alcohol or drugs to help numb the pain, others will engage in risky behaviour such as promiscuous sex or gambling in an attempt to feel good, others may convince themselves that the situation is only temporary and the relationship will be rekindled however, these are only short term coping methods and ones which will only serve to make matters worse in the long run.

Amongst the problems of not dealing with the grief is the development of depression/ anger as the unresolved issues manifest. Sometimes, we can be holding things inside for so long we forget the reason we began feeling this way as it just becomes a part of 'who we are'.

Grief in life is essential and unavoidable. No matter how hard we try to control our lives, stuff happens anyway and  unknowing how to deal with it in a healthy and positive way is paramount to our mental health.

Vulnerability and need for security may be partly responsible for us hanging on - we are unsure of who we now are and our role in life, and so we cling to the familiar for reassurance - however, just because it is familiar to you doesn't make it the right choice - Looking back with rose tinted glasses is a phrase that springs to mind.

Making the break and 'unhooking'

Accept that if things were really that great then you would still be in the relationship, maybe making a list of the negative aspects of the relationship/ person. 

Make another list with the positive aspects of no longer being in that relationship.

Write down how you want your life to be - do NOT include reconciliation with said person. Look at what you have written down and envision yourself achieving this.

Block/ delete any way you have of contacting them or viewing their social media profile.  

Don't seclude yourself -  meet up with friends, volunteer , join a club. Remind yourself that there are other people in the world who would enjoy spending time with you.

Borderlines are more likely to relapse when we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Focusing on self-care can help minimize or avoid these feelings. It is important not to neglect ourselves.



Depending on the circumstances, you may still have to have contact with the other person - if you have children / work together  for example. If this is the case:

Keep actual contact to a bare minimum and keep conversations to important issues only. 

Try and keep your thoughts and emotions in check when speaking to them - it can be very easy to start crying or becoming aggressive - neither will help you and will only give yourself something to beat yourself up over later...this includes sending texts!!

If you feel unable to have any contact what so ever then a contact centre or a mutually trusted friend/ relative could act as a go between until things calm down and you feel more able to deal with the situation in a calm and sensible way.