The perception of impending separation or rejection may cause people with BPD to 'over react' when faced by even the possibility of abandonment by someone with whom they feel they have a strong attachment with. 

 

This abandonment feeling doesn't even have to mean the ending of a relationship, it could be triggered by their partner having to go to work or a friend not being able to meet up for coffee, even last minute changes to an arranged meeting with a work colleague or therapist can trigger them into thinking and feeling rejected.

 

 

These abandonment fears are generally due to an intolerance of being alone, they NEED to be around people to feel wanted and loved. The phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not something they can relate to, in fact many may see it as "absence makes the heart forgetful". 

People with borderline personality disorder may believe that this abandonment implies that they are “bad" or "not worthy" and may lead to ruminations such as "what if they have a better time without me?" or "What if they meet someone better than me?"

 

 

Threats, anger & accusations are often posed by the person with BPD as a way to force the other person to listen / change their mind, but the person with BPD may not be as malicious as they may at first seem - they are just simply using whatever techniques they have/know to try and 'keep' the person in question but their lack of control / ability to express how they are feeling means that the very behaviour they use to try and keep the person is actually the most likely reason for them to leave - even if this wasn't the case to begin with!

 

Similarly, they may use promises, offers or distractions in an attempt to keep the other person with them. 

It's often these types of behaviors which lead to people with BPD being labeled as"manipulative" or "attention seeking", however, that seems to imply that the behaviors are premeditated - which in many cases isn't true...they are usually acts of impulse.

 

 

The negative behaviour is likely to stem from their overwhelming urge to express how much they need the person in question, how much they care or feel hurt - kind of 'proving' they will go to any lengths to ensure they are heard / understood; the end justifies the means so to speak.  They feel frustrated that they aren't being listened to - like a toddler who has not yet learnt to talk but knows what they want...they lack the necessary communication skills, especially when in fear of their relationship breaking down.

 

So how do we deal with it? 

communication, TRUST, confidence, self esteem, finding ways to be comfortable with just being you - knowing your worth.

acknowledgement of the problem, reassurance.

 

Write down a list of ALL your personal strengths, attributes, and character traits that would get you through if you were to be abandoned...yes, you do have some!

 

write down a list of people and outside resources that would help you 'survive'. 

 

Question yourself...what is it that you feel, why do you feel that way, when did it start? Am I justified in my response / behaviour? Am i reacting based on being reminded of my past experience?