I had a huge amount of feedback on this subject from page members and would just like to say thank you for sharing and I hope that this note will be of some help to you :) ~ Emma. 

 

 

Everyone feels angry from time to time and it is perfectly natural and healthy to do so and can even help keep us passionate about things, but when these feelings result in negative actions and are a frequent occurance then steps need to be taken to manage them. 

 

For people with BPD it is the intensity of those feelings and lack of ability to control over them that makes it so difficult to contain and often leads to regrettable consequences/repercussions such as domestic violence, criminal damage, broken relationships and in the worst cases, prison or hospitalization.

 

When anger kicks in, it feels like an uncontrollable hate fueled rage, the need and desire to show how upset / hurt we are by the cause of our distress - usually certain people or situations - feels too overwhelming to contain. 

 

How some people with BPD see/feel the angry outbursts:

 

“Lack of reasoning”,

“a point of no return”,

“Animalistic" 

“Tsunami like”

 

This aspect of BPD is often the cause of, usually males, being misdiagnosed with anti-social behavoiur disorder or failing to even be assessed / diagnosed as they are instead placed in prison.

 

However, not all people with BPD anger are a treat to others, many turn their anger in on themselves and resort to self harming/dangerous behaviours.

 

Impulsive behaviour associated with BPD usually helps to make the situation worse to to lack of forethought as to the consequences.

 

This said, we are always responsible for our actions, and if we have difficulty containing them it is our responsibility to fix that. No-one has the right to hurt/abuse someone else and I would implore ANYONE who is being treated this way to leave the situation and seek help & support.You may feel provoked or justified to react in aggressive ways but that doesn't mean that you should!

 

 

Finding out what your triggers are will allow you to prepare for when they may occur, help you understand why they make you feel so intensely and,where possible,avoid them altogether. However, this can be a hard task as there are so many possible reasons behind them so here is a list of some of the issues others have that you may want to consider/be able to identify with :

 

 

perceived rejection

feared  abandonment

defensive

tired/hungry - irritable

alcohol/drugs

changes in routine

Intolerance to others stupidity,

rudeness

other peoples lack of morals - lying, breaking promises,jealousy

being ignored

having integrity questioned

Insensitive people

invalidation of feelings

criticism

subjects/situations/people associated with a personal traumatic event

Own mood at that point - low,irritated, tired, annoyed

Disappointment

Embarrassment

 

Sometimes, we can allow the small things to fester or try to dismiss something huge as being insignificant until they eventually erupt to the surface in an explosive manner. It is for this reason that it is so important to deal with problems as they arise, because like it or not...they will demand to be dealt with in one way or another!

 

 

Self help

 

TriggersTo start recognizing your triggers you might find it helpful to keep a diary or notes about the times you have felt angry. Think about the last time this happened:

 

• What were the circumstances?

• Did someone say or do something to trigger your anger?

• How did you feel?

• How did you behave?

• How did you feel afterwards?

 

 

Avoiding arguements/fights

Stop the converstaion.

Think about the possible outcome. 

Start counting and don’t stop until you feel in more control.

walk away/ ask to be left alone.

 

 

Distraction techniques 

Music can help distract and sooth you or help you vent your negative feelings...shouting along to a loud song can be quite theraputic! 

 

 

Write it out...sometimes we just need to let out what we are thinking and feeling..write a letter to the person who has upset/offended you, tell them how it made you feel, tell them how unjustified you think they are etc. - you don’t have to give/send it to them but you may feel slightly better about not having it cooped up inside.

 

 

Controlled outbursts

Physical activities like jogging, squash, boxing or weight lifting can help eveviate some of the built up energy and also helps release hormones that will lift your mood.

 

Do something constructive like stamping on the recycling 

 

Scream into a pillow...you could do it without but I doubt neighbours would be happy!

 

 

Once you are feeling calmer, maybe try calmly talking about what made you feel so angry, explain how you saw the situation (our perception of things can sometimes be wrong you know!), listen to the other person - consider how they may have felt, was it unreasonable? and if so then accept that you may just have to agree to disagree.

 

 

With the small irritations, remember, the other person may not be doing whatever it is on porpose..in fact they may not even be aware of it. Ask yourself..is it really important? Are there going to be huge negative/dangerous outcomes if you did ignore others behaviour? If not then, let it go - you can’t control everything or everyone! 

 

 

Self talking

 

Sometimes we just need to stop and have a chat with ourselves, maybe try reminding yourself of some of the following:

 

“I am not in danger, I can walk away and be safe.”

 

“This person does not have control over me, my emotions or my actions.”

 

“I don’t need to prove myself.”

 

“It is impossible to control others but I can control myself and how I choose to react.”

 

“People will act the way they want to not how I want them to.”

 

“It’s ok to make mistakes, I don’t have to be perfect.”

 

“When I feel angry  it is because I am scared, hurt or have been threatened - how can I sooth myself of those emotions instead of just reacting to the anger?”

 

 “It’s not worth the possible consequesnces” 

 

 “If I don’t stop now I could push the other person away and lead them to leave”

 

 

 

I hope that that I have been able to provide you with some alternatives to try when the need arises, but remember, it takes practice and determination to change and only you can do it but it is possible and can only have a positive effect on your life.I wish you all the best with the journey ahead and hope that you are able to make the changes needed. ~ Emma.